This morning , I received a
message from my coursemate. She blamed me for not doing my presentation
slide properly. Okay , I admit , it's my fault for doing the
presentation slide improperly and so last minutes. She blame me , it's
right !!! For this is actually my fault !! Due to my irresponsible , it
brings lots of inconvenience to them . I felt guilty and so sorry TT I
try to request forgiveness from them and of course , the next moment I
redo the presentation slide. When I am going to open our conversation to
check for the link for the references , some words just appeared
directly in front of me , it is the sentences that blaming someone
for not doing her task properly and drag her. It is right , the one who
keep blaming is definitely my coursemate , and do not denied that the
one who she referred to is exactly me !!! At that moment , I felt
shocked and of course sad and
hurt TT I wonder why she blame me in front of so many people ? Don't
she know that facebook is the public page that everyone can view and
comment ?? Although she did not mentioned my name , but can u image that
when I m in a good mood to on facebook , and the first sentences that
appeared in front of my sight is the words that blame me ??!!
It
is just like a sharp sword that directly prick into my heart !! I felt
like heartache TT Do not denied that at that moment my heart felt
extremely painful and hurt TT How can she treat me like this ?? Just
because I did not do my task properly?! Okay , I admit !! It is my fault
!! But it is definitely your fault for blame me in front of all the
people !! And you revenge me by blaming me in a public page !! Yeah !!!
She blame me in facebook !!! Do not denied that I am extremely angry !!
But heartache more compared to anger !! In my personal opinion , it is
childish to do such thing !! And in order to reveal your anger , you
choose to hurt other people. Is it fun ?? Don't you knew that just
because of your personal depression , just
because you want to reveal your anger , you choose to hurt others !!
How cruel it is and how selfish it is !! At first , I try to scatter my
focus on it , for I consider it as an immature act. I try to pretend
nothing happen and act like normal , for if I keep thinking , I am sure
it will definitely hurt me more than that. Do not denied that I am angry
with her immature act , but I pray for Father please do not let me fall
into temptation , please do not let me hate her. I begged TT And I
attend the lecture as usual , as normal as nothing happened , like
everything is in control , like this thing never exist , and the most
important is this thing never affect my mood and never ever to hurt me
TT
But
when I am going to share with my roommate , just to reveal my sadness.
During the moment I describe the whole thing to her , my tears fall
without my notice. Before that , I thought I am strong , I thought I
will be able handle this thing , I thought I will not angry because it
is definitely my fault !! Blame me in front of public is definitely her
fault !! In this case , why I want to care about it ?? Why I want to
make myself suffer a lot because of her mistake !! At first , I thought I
may just felt like sad but I will never cried. But , do not denied that
my tears fall without my notice TT Immediately I went into the toilet
to wash my face , pretend nothing happen , I do not want to let her know
I am actually crying. But at last , she discover my abnormal. AS usual ,
she just keep silence and let me silence myself , let me to calm down
myself.
When
I calm down , I start to wonder why am I crying ?? In fact , I am not
supposed to be cried , but at last , why I cried ? Finally , I get my
conclusion. The tears that fall without my notice is the tears of
heartache. I felt so pain she treat me like this , for she is the only
one that walk through this three semester with me. Just because I treat
her as my only friend !! And just because of my mistake , she treat me
like this ??!! Do not denied I cried due to my heartache !! My heart
break.......TT
I
thought after crying , I will hate her and do not treat her as my
friend anymore. But surprisingly , I discover that I do not hate her. It
is true !! I try to hate her , but seriously I sense that I am unable
to do so.. I wonder why ?? Is it because of the love of Christ that I
received from HIM ?? Just as scripture 1st John 4 : 18-19 said so ,There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to
do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because he first loved us.
Yup !! I am unable to hate her , but I noticed that I do not know how to face her !! Father , please do not let your child fall into temptation , please do not let me either hate her or heartache when I face her. The most importantly , please do not let me think of the unpleasant hing that happen among us , for this will hurt me badly TT Please do not let me just love those who loves me so much but hate those who hates me , if like this , then what the difference among me and the peope unreached ?? What the difference among me and the satan ?? For he loves the one who loves him , but hates their enemies. O LORD , please do not even hardened my heart just as YOU hardened Pharaoh's heart. Please never ever let me hates those who hates me , or those who offend me. For YOU said so , "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must
love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." In Jesus name I pray , amen('',)
In the other way , maybe I have to thank her for letting me learned a new lesson , which is do not immediately reveal my anger on others who offend us just for our own benefit. But calm down ourselves when we are in a hot-tempered condition , for the words that come out from our mouth without our own notice will directly hurt others. Do think of others when we do something , for we may felt guilty at the next moment when those words come out from our mouth , for we cannot compensate the hurt that we have created on them. And lastly , never ever blame people in public page like facebook , for the hurt we bring to them is more than we can ever imagine , which is the hurt that we ourselves cannot compensate. Thus , My Dear Heavenly Daddy , I will try to calm down myself when I am angry , do not spoke any words that hurt others , not even single words! For my existence , is not create hurt on others , but instead BLESSINGS OF ALL ('',)
O Father , please do let me WALK BY FAITH BUT NOT WALK BY SIGHT for U
know my weaknesses in faith and for THERE IS NOTHING IMPOSSIBLE IN YOU. I
n Jesus name I pray , amen('',)
But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on
wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be
faint.
Father , do not denied that sometimes I just feel like want to give
up. Sorry for my weaknesses , sorry for losing Faith in U , sorry for do
not rely U , sorry for do not fixed my eyes on U when I am
down.....Sorry for enlarge the problems and tribulations I faced , but
instead underestimate YOUR POWER !!! Once , I had been gained my Faith
on U just by the words that U delivers through your child , U say:
[ My dear children , Andrea
No matter what difficulties you are facing right now , please be bear
in mind that this is the life cycle that you yourselves have to go
through even though it look hard and even despair you !!! But this is
the MUST in order to mould u , to train u , to make u stronger in the
future !!! Thus , be ready to accept the challenge !!! Take this
challenge as an equipment of Father to u !!! Do accept it !!! For I will
not allow any problems come to us if it cant become a learning , a
turning , or earning experience !! CHILD, WHEN I COMFORT YOU , I EQUIPS U !!!
Love ,
Abba Father ]
At this silence moment , let this song [ STILL ] be my sincere and deep prayer .
[ Hide Me Now Under Your Wings Cover Me Within Your Mighty Hands I Rest My Soul In Christ Alone Know HIS Power In Quiteness And Power When The Oceans Rise And Thunders Roar I Will Soar With YOU Over The Flood FATHER YOU ARE KING OVER THE FLOOD I Will Be Still KNOW YOU ARE GOD ]
SILENCE PRAYER : Direct my steps Oh LORD , to where YOU want me to be. Please guide me which road to take and please give me the GRACE to withstand the twists and turns of life.
Arghh...........
Arghh..........
Arghh..........
Just feel like want to scream now !!!
Scream as loud as I can ,
Scream as much as I can ,
Scream as possible as I can !!!!
Everything surround me , stressed me , which made me so nervous , so frustrated and made my life super miserable !!!!
Arghh !!!!!!
When I calm down , I think , after screaming , I wonder is it useful ??
Not at all !!!!
After screaming , everything still remain !!! How cruel it is !!!
The next moment , does anything changes ??
NO !!!!
I still have to face all those thing which I dislike the most !!!
Facing homework , assignment , lab report , exam , exam and exam again !!!
Sometimes , cannot denied that , I just felt like I am exactly like the author of '' The Road Not Taken '' For I do not know which way should I choose ?? After choose the way , I began to wonder : Lord , is it this is the way U want me to choose ?? Is it what I am doing right now is your FAVOUR ?? Is it I am doing the wrong thing or in other words , is it the way I choose is wrong ?? I felt confused , afraid and helpless... I feel down and lost TT When tribulations come , can I withstand ?? Or Is it I still be able to stand firm before tribulations ?? Would I give up ?? Or more serious , would I leave U just because I lose my LOVE , HOPE AND FAITH which should be owned by a christian ?? Which should be owned by HIS DEAREST DAUGHTER ?? At that moment , before twist and the turns of life , would I still can praise U with all my soul , with all my heart ?? Just like the scripture says so , 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all
your strength and with all your mind ' Would I stand firm just like Job ?? Would I still have a Strong Faith just like Job ?? Would I believe that everyhting there is a season ?? Or...I just totally ignore everything and give up ??!! Should I ??
